Remember Alexander? The boy of the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day?
Today, I felt like him.
I don't mean to be entitled. I don't mean to be selfish. I don't mean to be ungrateful. But I'd just HAD IT. Frustration built up over the past week was really getting to me.
If I was a crier, I would have cried. I'm more of a snapper than a crier, though, and I honestly didn't have it in me to snap either.
It was a rather out-of-person experience.
Kiddo has some pretty bad eczema on his skin. My mom and sister are convinced that it is some type of allergic reaction--and they both suffer from the itchy stuff. My sister's boys, especially, itch so badly that they'll scratch until they bleed, poor things. Our pediatrician advised us that one way to deal with the eczema is to wait until we "just can't stand it anymore, and give him a bath."
I have to say, it's helped his skin. The horrid rough patches aren't as bad as have been. But this morning, I got to the "just can't stand it anymore" point, and gave him a bath.
It's been a while--almost four weeks. I know that sounds gross, but that's what our doctor told us to do. I wondered if he'd even remember what a bath was--he was loving them for a while, but I was curious if it would be a new experience all over again. We walked into the bathroom, turned on the heater and the light.
Our shower curtain hangs on those little rings that have the roller-balls on them. It's a weird sound, to be sure. I reached up to move the shower curtain back, and Kiddo practically jumped out of his skin. I stopped mid pull-back, and held him close. He relaxed, and I started moving the curtain the remainder of the way back.
This time instead of just jerking, startled, he SHRIEKED! It wasn't a cry--it was a call out! It was the most awful sound to ever hit a mother's ears. He was so scared. At only not even five months old. I held him so close. The tears were on their way--his lower lip puckered out, corners down-turned.
He was going to be fine, though.
But it reminded me that some children aren't fine. And once again, as it has so many times in the past week and a half, my heart went out to the orphans in Haiti, and really all over the world, who don't have someone to hold them when they are scared. I know the Lord has His eye on them, but in my own human insecurities and weaknesses, I'll admit that that almost doesn't seem like enough. I KNOW it is enough. I know that those of us who have been born into SO much more than orphaned children in third world countries should consider ourselves IMMENSELY blessed.
And I know, to whom much is given, much is required. I'm not sure what the Lord requires of me--if it's an open checkbook, or a willingness to go, or something else. But I know, if I follow where He leads us, that it will be an adventure beyond my wildest dreams, and far more blessing than I ever could have been born into.
One of my favorite sayings is, "When the grass is greener, water your yard."
What that means is, when you're not happy:
I'm not sure if that's a morning pep talk for myself, or frustration at lackadaisical attitudes, or the Haiti stuff making me un-Grinch-ish, or if the Tin Man found a heart.
I'm off to find some coffee.
Tomorrow, I have to read and edit six contracts.
I'm grateful for the opportunities.
Tomorrow, we have to process orders.
I'm grateful for the business.
Tomorrow, food and fresh water are plentiful.
I'm grateful, and remember those who are less fortunate.
There is a lot that I'd rather not deal with, but at the end of the day, there is so much more to be grateful for.
In the hustle and bustle of what has been my life lately, mostly a solid combination of career and motherhood, I have discovered the glories of a bedtime no later than 9:30 p.m. CST.
In a day and age when riding the fence, politically and spiritually, seems like the safest thing to do in order to keep from being ostracized by society, I find myself speaking out less and less on these topics, despite the knot in my stomach.
But last night, after drifting to sleep with the TV on, and after a day of Brown vs. Coakley, Hubs was flipping channels, and I caught a whif of what was happening, and mumbled, "He won?" Hubs said yes, and I think I slept a tad better last night.
After a discouraging blow two Novembers ago, and a disheartening year of wanting to say "I told you so" to the American public, all I feel like saying this morning is:
GO, REPUBLICANS, GO!!
I haven't written my Kiddo letter for the four months mark. At this point in time, I'll probably just save it for five months, since that will be here in a couple of weeks. I need to download pics off my camera, too. His growing seems to have slowed down a tad in the past weeks--he's not longer flying through the sizes of clothing.
We have been SO BUSY. We finished out December at work on a combination of harsh and joyous notes: the good news is, our error rate was .005%. I don't want to get into what the bad news was, but long story short, I determined I was tired of hearing bad news.
So, one morning, I shot off an email to a business acquaintance. Looking back, it was one of those emails that set off a string of dominoes, because my head hasn't stopped spinning since I pressed send. Moments later, my phone rang, and that conversation sent me into a tizzy finding paperwork. I sent the paperwork, and was put through a grueling interview, in which I had to sell my vision for what we could become. They bought it. And then, before the end of the year, they delivered a snazzy, brand-new HP Indigo 3500.
In the story that will be my life, I think I will look back and say we were at a sink or swim point. Sinking, for me, is never an option. Swimming, while a lot of hard work, at least means we are moving forward. I HATE not moving forward. I hate stagnant feelings, and I hate not learning, and I hate it when we're not making progress.
The emotions that have accompanied this decision equivalent to those that I had after first starting the business. I'm crunching numbers again, thanks to one incredible bookkeeper, who without, this would not have been possible. I'm exhausted--crashing as soon as my head hits the pillow--and I'm not pregnant, this time. I really just jumped off the deep end, but I know how to swim. The waters of potential lured me in.
Kiddo is adorable, happy, and believe it or not, the reason we are doing all this. He's also crying right now, so I'm signing off.
xoxo,
Toots
Author's note: I've talked about this before, I'm sure, so if you've been reading this blog since 2003, you might want to skip the first few paragraphs.
Since the age of seven, I have felt the need to document things, in detail. My Gran bought me a diary, complete with lock and ever-so-secure key, for my seventh birthday. I felt like it was crucially important to tell the diary, which I named "Rose", all about my frustrations with Disney World.
At some point in time, the lock-and-key diary gave way to scraps of paper, probably because I figured out that all the diary keys were universal, and the lock didn't work anyway. The scraps of paper followed me to college, then Dallas, and finally back to my first little house in Oklahoma, where I finally found the time to sort and organize them. As I carefully compiled each writing, by date, into its own little sheet protector, and notebook of the appropriate year, I started to notice that I had made little goal lists every so often.
The astonishing thing about the lists was that they were so similar. I started setting them aside, and ended up creating a separate goal notebook. I don't use it very often, but with the new year upon us, and major changes happening in the business, I felt the need to pull it out today.
The oldest goal list is undated, but I would say it probably dates back to my junior or senior year of high school. It reads:
My Goals in Life
- Own a company.
- Write a book.
- Live in South France for a year.
- Learn French.
- Obtain a "Silver Screen" figure.
- Build my dream house.
- Get married, have kids.
- Receive a dozen pink roses.
- Never settle for less than my dreams.
- A gorgeous husband.
- Have a maid.
- Weigh 130 pounds.
Yes, you can laugh.
OK, you can quit laughing now. Some of it is ridiculous. But, own a company? Check. Married, kids, roses? Check, check, check. Gorgeous husband? CH-ECK. Have a maid? Check. Weigh 130 pounds?
OK, you can laugh again now.
But the point being, for a list I made in high school, that's some pretty good checking.
Today, I've been feeling rather introspective. Look at where I've come, determine where I'm going--all that jazz. I wasn't a big fan of 2008, and I really have detested 2009, at least from a business perspective. So, I've put all the wheels in motion for big changes in 2010. And I'm jotting down my goals.
You can call me crazy, but I really believe in the power of putting this stuff on paper. I tuck it away after I've written it down, back into the goal notebook, back into the cabinet, where it isn't hanging over my head every day. I like that these are goals, not resolutions. Resolutions are almost always broken. Goals, on the other hand, can exist indefinitely like stars waiting to be reached.
I know, I know. CORNY.
So, here is the goal list for 2010. Actually, it's probably the goal list for the next decade. And you can laugh, but remember that I like to dream big, and encourage others to do the same.
- Write a book.
- Live in France for a year.
- Learn French/Spanish.
- Weigh 130 pounds.
- Build my dream house.
- Get my MBA or MIT.
- Go to China.
- Learn to play golf.
- Own a jet.
- Lake house with boat.
- "Cabin" in Vail. Ski-in, ski-out.
- Visit Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
- Have our home published in a magazine.
- Figure out how to get Hubs onto Augusta for a round.
- Improve my photography skills.
- Learn to sail.
- Join YPO.
- License designs to other product manufacturing companies.
- Tithe.
What's yo dream?
Wishing...
...I could have eaten lunch today.
...that people who have issues with how they've been treated wouldn't become victims.
...that people would take responsibility for their actions.
...that I was a light speed programmer.
...that this house cleaned itself.
...that I could have stayed home on this snowy day and just loved on my son.
...that my email answered itself.
...that legal stuff wasn't so...legal.
...that lumber magically turned itself into sheetroc-ed walls.
Thankful...
...that tomorrow we get some major PR.
...that I have grateful, sweet, precious, hardworking employees that "get" me.
...that Piper is back!
...for my precious, wall-building, hard-working husband.
...for my wonderful, generous, brilliant, engineer dad.
...for people who communicate.
Just in case you were worried about the state of my sanity, here's an update:
Cookies are baked. And iced. Darling Christmas trees--dozens of them. Martha Stewart would be so proud. I'll cart them to the office tomorrow along with my "Hot Fruit" for holiday pot luck.
The press got delivered safe and sound. I didn't get to see the actual delivery and move-in, but I walked over to check it out right before leaving work today. I think my blood pressure spiked when I looked at it. In a weird, sentimental way, it was like looking at my future--a very amazing, very exciting future. It gets set-up/installed mid January.
Dishwasher was installed. Dishdirtier was carted off. OF COURSE, the installer guys did something to the drain/disposal/plumbing (which probably needed to be replaced anyway), so tomorrow the plumber is coming to fix that. I'm trying to decide if I should wish upon the plumbing that it would cause the oven to break. I have a hankering for a new oven.
Insurance stuff on car: done.
Note cards sent to press.
Press release started.
Christmas cards ordered. Ha! The cobbler's children...
To do tomorrow:
Finish printing new release invites on office printers.
Two sets of legal docs.
Finish buying presents for: sitter, MIL, FIL, BIL, sister and BIL. Wrap.
Decorate tree.
Long story short, WE ARE GETTING THERE.
My friend Scarlett and I are going to try to catch some shut-eye. Tomorrow is another day.
Pardon the spewing, but I've got to get this all out.
I have to bake more cookies for work on Wednesday. Thankful for my precious husband who made the dough today. He's awesome.
Printing press delivered tomorrow. Guy who is currently selling us printing is stopping by tomorrow (ironically, on the day a press is being delivered.)
Dishwasher delivers tomorrow (to replace the dishdirtier we currently own).
Insurance guy is coming tomorrow to give me a quote on getting my car repaired after I ran into my friend Schmitty's car in the parking lot of Mimi's a few weeks ago. It was the black ice's fault. Totally.
New release has to be to press by tomorrow at noon. We are CUTTING IT CLOSE.
Have to revise legal docs and get them to new designer.
Have to revise legal docs and get them to new company we are looking at potentially acquiring.
Need to write press releases for all that. BUZZ, baby, BUZZ!!!
Oh, need to get husband some socks and undies for his stocking. Need to get inlaws some more stocking stuffer stuff stuff. Need to wrap all gifts.
NEED TO DECORATE TREE!
Need to finish Kiddo's thank you notes. Need to send out Kiddo's birth announcements/now New Years cards.
Just finished software install on one site. Need to refine. Need to work on software install for other site--set to launch Jan 3.
Need to stop and enjoy Christmas. In celebration of His birth, I need to pause and stop and remember and be thankful and QUIT RUNNING AROUND a la headless chicken.
xoxo,
Toots
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